…I love The Onion is because their jokes so often perfectly mirror my own interior monologue. For instance:
"Behold! My radiance is gently glowing like the soft light of the moon, drawing awe and admiration from everything it casts its light on. I'm paying attention to you. Yes, to little, less-attractive you. Doesn't that feel good, knowing that I am not only in the same room as you, but that I'm also acknowledging your existence momentarily? I'll bet it feels great. After all, this sort of thing doesn't happen to you every day. So what say we settle the pesky little matter of you not bowing to my every whim?
That "little, less-attractive" person being addressed? Yup, that's me. Stick me in a room with a pretty woman and watch me cave. See if I don't.