Wednesday, December 10, 2008

One of the reasons…

…I love The Onion is because their jokes so often perfectly mirror my own interior monologue. For instance:

It's Okay, I'm Attractive | The Onion - America's Finest News Source:

"Behold! My radiance is gently glowing like the soft light of the moon, drawing awe and admiration from everything it casts its light on. I'm paying attention to you. Yes, to little, less-attractive you. Doesn't that feel good, knowing that I am not only in the same room as you, but that I'm also acknowledging your existence momentarily? I'll bet it feels great. After all, this sort of thing doesn't happen to you every day. So what say we settle the pesky little matter of you not bowing to my every whim?

Pretty please?"

That "little, less-attractive" person being addressed? Yup, that's me. Stick me in a room with a pretty woman and watch me cave. See if I don't.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

'Prop 8 — The Musical'

Leave it to Doogie Howser MD, to put it all into perspective.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

'Nice shot, kid…'

"…that was one in a million."

The Rebel Alliance has finally won a tremendous victory. It's not time to cue the Ewoks, yet. But it sure feels good.

I'm very, very tired, though; working through the election, on deadline, trying to make sure every dot and comma was where it needed to be while giddy with exhilaration was exciting, satisfying and, ultimately, exhausting.

I have lots to say, and I will, probably at great length. The only thing I want to say right now is that I thought McCain's concession speech was a class act; I really wish he'd run his whole campaign that way.

For now, though, I'm going to make some tea. Then I'll see if the Stewart/Colbert election special is on If it is, I'm going to watch it. Then I am going to pass right out.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Forget Joe the Plumber…

…let's talk about Ashley the Liar.

Police: Campaign Volunteer Lied, Injured Self

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — Police say a campaign volunteer confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter B in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

At a news conference this afternoon, officials said they believe that Ashley Todd's injuries were self-inflicted.

Todd, 20, of Texas, is now facing charges for filing a false report to police.

The Huffington Post has a couple of roundups on the story, and The Smoking Gun has a screenshot of her ever-so-convenient twitter entries, but the story is simple: A McCain volunteer from Texas claimed that, while she was working in Pittsburgh, Pa., a giant black man viciously mutilated her specifically because of her politics.

But, that's not what happened. Instead, this girl apparently blackened her own eyes and carefully carved a backwards letter B into her own face, then began spreading a story that panders to the worst fears of racists everywhere: giant, lawless, black men lurk in the shadows, wanting only to leap out and hurt helpless little Southern belles at the earliest opportunity.

This is what fear-mongering robo-calls and a campaign hinging on the politics of otherness has brought you, John McCain. This is the face of the people you're courting: scared, confused and willing to batter and mutilate themselves because you've terrified them with your boogey-man stories and outright lies.

This is your poster child, Mr. McCain. Are you going to embrace her the way you've embraced Joe the Plumber?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

'In charge of the Senate'

Wait, whoa…hold on a sec; where's that copy of the U.S. Constitution? Ah! Here it is:

The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.
That doesn't sound like "in charge" to me. I mean, I have friends who wield more power than that when they decree that, since it's their car, they choose the radio station, even if they're not the one driving.

So, has Sarah Palin even read the Constitution? I mean, that little job description is, you know, kind of in Article I; including the Preamble, it's only 10 paragraphs in. I mean, true, nine of those paragraphs are pretty long and boring descriptions of how the House of Representatives and the Senate are supposed to work, but it's not like this is some kind of twist ending.

Is it too much to hope that, once this gets pointed out to Gov. Palin, she'll decide she doesn't want the job? Maybe even, I don't know? Shut up and go home?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Say it ain't so, Joe!
(And Joe replies, 'It ain't, you dumbass!')

Of course, I watched the debate last night: MCcain came across as a rabid bat stuck in a small enclosure made of glass, while Obama came off as a bemused biologist looking in on said bat as it battered against the enclosure. McCain got off his "you should've run against Bush four years ago" zinger. (Hey, John, I have a question: If you're so big on standing up to your party, how come you didn't run against Bush four years ago?) But Obama spoke what was on everyone's mind when he said, in reference to the paranoid ads linking Obama to William Ayers and ACORN, "I think the fact that this has become such an important part of your campaign, Senator McCain, says more about your campaign than it says about me.”

Perhaps McCain's most enduring contribution to the debate, and to the American political landscape, was "Joe the Plumber," that salt-of-the-earth small-businessman from Holland, Ohio, who may, or may not, be punished by Obama's tax plan.

After the debate, Joe found himself in the center of a media maelstrom, everyone asking him who would get his vote. "That's my business," he replied, while giving the impression that he certainly wouldn't vote for Obama, who tap dances like Sammy Davis Jr.

I support Joe in his decision not to reveal the name of the candidate for whom he'll vote, especially since that candidate's name is, apparently, "Nobody":

"'Joe the Plumber' not voting for McCain" — Huffington Post

It might be heartening to McCain to know that he has at least one vote in Democratic stronghold Lucas County, Ohio, but for one small fact. A download of the Lucas County voter rolls from the Ohio Secretary of State's website lists four Wurzelbachers, two in Holland, but none of them named Sam or Joe or Samuel Joseph. There's a Robert Lee and a Frank Edward Wurzelbacher, but no Joe.

Apparently, Joe the Plumber don't vote.

Personally, this is my favorite kind of conservative voter: The one who, apparently, hasn't bothered to register and missed his chance.

UPDATE: Oops, I jumped the gun on this one. The New York Times is reporting:

Mr. Wurzelbacher is registered to vote in Lucas County under the name Samuel Joseph Worzelbacher.
Sorry, man. Sometimes I get excited. Best to you, dude; hope your vote works out for you!