Me, I guess...

I hate having my picture taken, because on film I never seem to appear the way I do in my head. However, Sean managed to snap some pretty decent shots of me yesterday afternoon.

Ostensibly, these were for his optometrist, who wants pictures of people with glasses, probably for some sort of in-store advertising. I think that my inability to sit still and talk without a cigarette in my hands might have bitched up their usefulness on that front, however.

I mean, c'mon kids, say it with me: "Smoking is not cool!"

So...yeah.

I should probably address my last post and be done with it. I had a particularly bad night (the very large printer did fall on my head, and I lost my headphones while walking up on that wall, and I had to do employee reviews before an all day meeting the next day, and I was kind of drunk) and, instead of shutting up and dealing with it, I started writing to blow the cobwebs out of my head, succeeded, then in a fit of foolishness, actually clicked the "Publish Post" button.

So, let me clarify a few points.

• My drinking is actually not that bad, it just feels worse to me. Granted, I'm not a good drunk; I'm clumsy, obnoxious and feel a horrible sense of guilt almost every time I drink enough to actually get drunk. However, I don't actually drink all that often—two or three times a week at most, less than that in any given week—and I'm drunk even less frequently. Also, I never drive when I've been drinking, am not prone to "drunk calling," and have not ever so much as missed a day of work due to having a hangover. In all honesty, my drinking has been much worse in the past, when I couldn't even make any of the prior claims and wasn't even aware that I had a problem. Still, the truth is that my drinking bothers me, so I've backed off on it. No more drinking alone, even the occasional beer. No more drinking while brooding because, lord knows, it only depresses me further.

• Everything I said about my job is pretty much true, but it's paying my bills and is tolerable on any given day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not terribly good at it, but it's not a torture chamber. It'll do until I can get out of here.

• I really am pretty lonely. I'm used to it, though, and can tolerate it. I'm not in imminent danger of "lying in a hot bath and bleeding to death", either. If I was facing this kind of existence for decades upon decades, as sometimes, late at night, listening to my neighbors shout at one another, I fear will be the case, then I'd seriously consider it. But I make it through those nights and, trite as it sounds, each day always brings a new, clearer light and my night terrors fade enough to let me be.

So, that's that. I'm fine.

I am still planning on moving to Florida, provided that I haven't freaked my brother out with my last post. The timing on it is the question, at this point. I'm going to start looking into finding a sub-leasor, but I still might have to wait until September, as my DSL contract doesn't end until then and, from what I've heard, they charge an arm and a leg to break the contract early. Since I'm fond of my arms and legs, and don't have a lot of extra cash floating around, my best interest may be served by being patient and waiting this out.

So...there it is. One post, it seems like I'm about to chuck it all, pack up a rucksack and hitchhike to Florida in the middle of the night. The next, I'm back to reasonable and thinking it through. Do I contradict myself? Well, then, I contradict myself.

I'm only human, after all.

C'mon, god...

...tell me what to fucking do, would ya?

I talked to my bro today. It'd been a while since we'd really talked about stuff. I've come to a decision, today. It hurts, but I have to do it.

I can't continue the way I've been going. Since Michelle left me, I've been in a slow tailspin that I don't seem to have the wherewithal to pull out of. I've hopped around like a ginger-footed wimp on a bed of hot coals; I know I'm in pain but, instead of doing anything to improve my situation, I'm trying to find just the right cool spot with just the right angle of my foot to get my bearings, instead of just tear-assing out of there and getting to solid, non-flammable ground. I mean, shit, let's take stock of my situation, shall we? I am:

• Drinking too much. Hell, I'm half in the bag right now. I mean, for fuck's sake, I just fell off a stool and caused a 50-lb. printer to fall on my head! Do sober, right-thinking people allow that kind of shit to happen to them? As an answer, I humbly submit "No."

• I'm in a dead-end job. Don't get me wrong, I love video-games, my employees and most of my customers, but the curse about this job is that I've become the Peter Principle incarnate, and the only place I have to go is up. Would I make a good District or Area Manager for this company? Please! I can't even tell when my own employees are stealing from me. I can't motivate my three employees enough to get them to show up for a "mandatory store meeting"! How lost would I be if I was responsible for 10 stores? Or 15? Or whatever ridiculous amount this bloated, distant corporate structure expects its overworked employees to accept responsibility for, all the while hoping that it'll lead to a promotion, some fat loot and, finally, some god damned recognition? As I've gone on record before, I loathe and fear the company I'm working for. I just can't see myself turning it into a career.

• I hate my fucking job. In case you missed it from the last point. Hell, I'll even say it with some emphasis: I. HATE. MY. FUCKING. JOB. I've got no other prospects, to boot: this work leaves me so drained at the end of the day that I can't even think about mustering up the energy to look for another job.

• I'm too fucking lonely. Now, I'm no Polly Popularpants—believe me when I say that I'm aware there is always going to be some loneliness in my life, because I live inside my own head and have very little desire to live outside of it. But, goddamnit...enough is enough, already. Tonight, I found myself walking on top of a very high wall, dodging tree limbs, twiddling my fingers in a friendly manner at motorists passing into the parking garage cut into the wall directly beneath me and singing, out loud, on a public street, to music in my headphones. That's just fucking madness, people! Madness brought on by the fact that I no longer believe that anyone can see me, or cares about what I do if they can see me. And, honestly, if there's a more telling symptom of loneliness than that, I don't know what it is.

So, yeah. I think I'm done here.

Josh has offered to help me get the hell out of here. He's offered me a place to crash until I get my shit together. He even mentioned that I could take two weeks and do nothing but hang around his pool and sleep, if I wanted.

That sounds really nice, folks. I'm no Lotus Eater, but it sounds really nice, indeed.

I'm torn about it, though. I have really amazing friends here; friends I imagine I'll keep for a lifetime. And I love Milwaukee; I can walk around these streets or stare at the lake for hours, and I never get bored. Plus, I've never walked outside and broken a sweat just from opening the door. I've never had my glasses fog up upon leaving a building. I've thrown snowballs every winter, and made snow angels every time it struck my fancy.

But I'm not doing anybody any good the way I am now. And I won't be doing any of the people I value any good lying in a hot bath and slowly bleeding to death, which is where I fear I'm headed. I need to be around people I care about, and who care about me.

I need to find a home. Then I need to go there. That's what I'm planning to do.

Science + Text = COOL!

Particle Accelerator Used to Decipher Text

Well, two of my obsessions—namely particle physics and ancient texts—have collided here, so I just had to point it out. I think it's very neat, very exciting...as if someone had accidentally dumped chocolate in my peanut butter to discover that the combination is, in fact, delicious!

Of course, once somebody actually sits down and reads the deciphered manuscript, I'm absolutely positive that a rent in the time-space continuum will appear, bringing forth ancient, chthonic gods from the in between spaces where they dwell in restless slumber and dream dreams of such power that our nightmares are but infinitesimal echoes of their unknown energies. R'lyeh should be rising above the Pacific waves pretty soon, which is always fun. Say it with me, folks: Cthulhu Phtaghn! Ia Cthulhu!

In other news, sorry it's been so long between updates. In short, I suck, and have been very sleepy lately. I did go on one of my volkerwanderung last Tuesday. I'll try to post the pictures here shortly.