C'mon, god...

...tell me what to fucking do, would ya?

I talked to my bro today. It'd been a while since we'd really talked about stuff. I've come to a decision, today. It hurts, but I have to do it.

I can't continue the way I've been going. Since Michelle left me, I've been in a slow tailspin that I don't seem to have the wherewithal to pull out of. I've hopped around like a ginger-footed wimp on a bed of hot coals; I know I'm in pain but, instead of doing anything to improve my situation, I'm trying to find just the right cool spot with just the right angle of my foot to get my bearings, instead of just tear-assing out of there and getting to solid, non-flammable ground. I mean, shit, let's take stock of my situation, shall we? I am:

• Drinking too much. Hell, I'm half in the bag right now. I mean, for fuck's sake, I just fell off a stool and caused a 50-lb. printer to fall on my head! Do sober, right-thinking people allow that kind of shit to happen to them? As an answer, I humbly submit "No."

• I'm in a dead-end job. Don't get me wrong, I love video-games, my employees and most of my customers, but the curse about this job is that I've become the Peter Principle incarnate, and the only place I have to go is up. Would I make a good District or Area Manager for this company? Please! I can't even tell when my own employees are stealing from me. I can't motivate my three employees enough to get them to show up for a "mandatory store meeting"! How lost would I be if I was responsible for 10 stores? Or 15? Or whatever ridiculous amount this bloated, distant corporate structure expects its overworked employees to accept responsibility for, all the while hoping that it'll lead to a promotion, some fat loot and, finally, some god damned recognition? As I've gone on record before, I loathe and fear the company I'm working for. I just can't see myself turning it into a career.

• I hate my fucking job. In case you missed it from the last point. Hell, I'll even say it with some emphasis: I. HATE. MY. FUCKING. JOB. I've got no other prospects, to boot: this work leaves me so drained at the end of the day that I can't even think about mustering up the energy to look for another job.

• I'm too fucking lonely. Now, I'm no Polly Popularpants—believe me when I say that I'm aware there is always going to be some loneliness in my life, because I live inside my own head and have very little desire to live outside of it. But, goddamnit...enough is enough, already. Tonight, I found myself walking on top of a very high wall, dodging tree limbs, twiddling my fingers in a friendly manner at motorists passing into the parking garage cut into the wall directly beneath me and singing, out loud, on a public street, to music in my headphones. That's just fucking madness, people! Madness brought on by the fact that I no longer believe that anyone can see me, or cares about what I do if they can see me. And, honestly, if there's a more telling symptom of loneliness than that, I don't know what it is.

So, yeah. I think I'm done here.

Josh has offered to help me get the hell out of here. He's offered me a place to crash until I get my shit together. He even mentioned that I could take two weeks and do nothing but hang around his pool and sleep, if I wanted.

That sounds really nice, folks. I'm no Lotus Eater, but it sounds really nice, indeed.

I'm torn about it, though. I have really amazing friends here; friends I imagine I'll keep for a lifetime. And I love Milwaukee; I can walk around these streets or stare at the lake for hours, and I never get bored. Plus, I've never walked outside and broken a sweat just from opening the door. I've never had my glasses fog up upon leaving a building. I've thrown snowballs every winter, and made snow angels every time it struck my fancy.

But I'm not doing anybody any good the way I am now. And I won't be doing any of the people I value any good lying in a hot bath and slowly bleeding to death, which is where I fear I'm headed. I need to be around people I care about, and who care about me.

I need to find a home. Then I need to go there. That's what I'm planning to do.