Saturday, January 29, 2005

Sometimes, I just shake my head...

Yahoo! News: Education secretary blasts children's show

Asked how Buster reacted to the two moms, [John] Wilson, [PBS's senior vice president for programming] replied: "Buster is a very tolerant and accepting rabbit, and he sort of took it at face value."
Well, that seems like a polite reaction, seeing as how they'd invited him to dinner and all.

By the way, nice first week on the job, Maggie. For your next trick, why don't you figure out what's up with Bert & Ernie. Make sure my kids don't see that kind of subliminal homo activity while they're learning about stuff, 'kay?

Thanks.

Friday, January 28, 2005

And so it begins...

Yahoo! News: Cheney Criticized for Attire at Auschwitz Ceremony

Kicking off four years of our fearless leaders behaving like putzes in public, here's "Big Time" Dick Cheney all thugged out for the Auschwitz memorial. I can just hear him now:

"You don't like the way I'm dressed? Well, fuck you! I'm an American, damn it! Our boys were dressed much worse than this when we fought and died in this godforsaken shithole country! And don't you forget it!"

The media calls this a "casual outfit" or "ski getup," but to me ol' Dick looks like a lot of the inner-city youth who frequent my store. Except they make this look good, and Dick just looks absurd.

Makes me wonder, though...could Dick possibly have a 9-inch, solid-gold Star of David hanging from a rope chain tucked under that parka? Did he pour a little out of a 40-ouncer "for all his dead, Jewish homies"?

I bet he did exactly that. And did the liberal media cover it? Of course not.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

An open letter to Dubya

Bush Tells Troops "Much More Will Be Asked of You"

...But Bush said his second term offered the chance for unity because "I'm no longer a threat politically."

"In other words, since I'm not going to run for office again people don't have to view me as a threat and hopefully that will enable people from both parties to come together to get some big things done for the country," he told Fox News.

Way to paraphrase the definition of lame duck I remember from my eighth-grade Social Studies textbook, Georgie Boy. And way to turn on the doublespeak: you're ineffectual, so we should all quit worrying and unite with you. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. However, for all that you're no longer a potential political threat, you're still one of the most powerful men in the entire world, and what you do during the next four years will still have an impact.

Face it, buddy: the thousands of dead and the millions of people around the world you've managed to piss off aren't just going to come back to life or change their fucking minds once you're retired and back banging goats on your ranch.

This isn't a fucking game, Georgie! When you're done, you don't get a trophy. What happens is you hand the stewardship of our country--which a majority of us, baffling as it may be, loaned to you in trust--to someone else of our choosing. Part of what we've trusted you to do is hand our country over intact. If we don't think you're actually going to do that, then we'd be fools and traitors to "come together" and let you do whatever the hell you want.

Don't fuck this up, Georgie. Don't sell our blood, our lives, our reputations and our souls down the river for some delusion of a presidential legacy. And don't give us any of your "Aw, shucks...I'm just folks, now," self-deprecating bullshit. For better or worse, your simian, slackjawed mug is the face of my country for the next four years.

Come on, man. Don't listen to all those suit and tie guys trying to ensure that the Conservative Republican bloc gets a lockdown on the Washington power structure for the next generation or three. Listen to us...to all of us. We're divided, we're worried, the rest of the world hates us, our friends and children are being blown to pieces, and we aren't really sure that you care about any of that. A significant portion of the country is losing interest in democracy, is slipping away from the very ideas and ideals that make this country great. And, the irony is that your job is to represent us all.

Stop with the appeals to our sense of you as a lame duck. Just stop it and do your fucking job.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Say Uncle...



See that up there? That's my sister's uterus! The little lump that looks sort of like a swaddled child Christmas ornament (Complete with hook! Look!) turned on its side is my new n(eic)ephew!

I'm going to be an uncle! Again!

My sister has asked that we keep the new little-one in our prayers. I'm thinking good thoughts about both the beloved mother and the adorable, quickly growing lump of life she carries inside her. If you pray, would you mind adding a few entities to your list?

Thanks. I appreciate it, and I'm sure my family appreciates it, too!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Quote for the day...

That's right folks, it's the quote of the day, brought to you by twitch at glassrope. It means not a god damned thing to you, but it's cool. Trust me.

"Dude, I don't know if you knew this, but Bonnaroo is an ancient,
Egyptian word meaning professionalism. So we're going to do it in the right, professional key. Aw, dude...you can feel the professional power!"
That is all.

Friday, January 07, 2005

I used to live here...

Yahoo! News: Eight Die, 240 Hurt in S.C. Train Crash

Okay, this happened about 5 miles from where I used to live. Everybody okay down there? Nobody I'm fond of is hurt, right? Anyone got any word?

As long as we're doing the rhetorical questions thing, when the hell did the Aiken Standard's website become a pay site? Why?

Almost cut my hair...

Actually, I did cut my hair.



Well, that's not really true, either: I had someone cut my hair for me. I kind of like it, and I kind of don't care.

After all, it's only hair.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Yahoo! News: Gonzales Promises Non-Torture Policy

Wow. That's a fucking relief. Now if only I believed him....

Dig it, folks: the future Attorney General of the United States of America believes that the "quaint" provisions of the Geneva Convention are obsolete. Repeat that phrase to yourself a few times. Let it sink in. Let it stick.

Oh, by the way: Happy New Year.