Take me to your leader

Cindy McCain Claims She's "Just Like Any Other Female Human"

Forget Joe the Plumber…

…let's talk about Ashley the Liar.

Police: Campaign Volunteer Lied, Injured Self

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — Police say a campaign volunteer confessed to making up a story that a mugger attacked her and cut the letter B in her face after seeing her McCain bumper sticker.

At a news conference this afternoon, officials said they believe that Ashley Todd's injuries were self-inflicted.

Todd, 20, of Texas, is now facing charges for filing a false report to police.

The Huffington Post has a couple of roundups on the story, and The Smoking Gun has a screenshot of her ever-so-convenient twitter entries, but the story is simple: A McCain volunteer from Texas claimed that, while she was working in Pittsburgh, Pa., a giant black man viciously mutilated her specifically because of her politics.

But, that's not what happened. Instead, this girl apparently blackened her own eyes and carefully carved a backwards letter B into her own face, then began spreading a story that panders to the worst fears of racists everywhere: giant, lawless, black men lurk in the shadows, wanting only to leap out and hurt helpless little Southern belles at the earliest opportunity.

This is what fear-mongering robo-calls and a campaign hinging on the politics of otherness has brought you, John McCain. This is the face of the people you're courting: scared, confused and willing to batter and mutilate themselves because you've terrified them with your boogey-man stories and outright lies.

This is your poster child, Mr. McCain. Are you going to embrace her the way you've embraced Joe the Plumber?

'In charge of the Senate'

Wait, whoa…hold on a sec; where's that copy of the U.S. Constitution? Ah! Here it is:

The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no vote, unless they be equally divided.

That doesn't sound like "in charge" to me. I mean, I have friends who wield more power than that when they decree that, since it's their car, they choose the radio station, even if they're not the one driving.

So, has Sarah Palin even read the Constitution? I mean, that little job description is, you know, kind of in Article I; including the Preamble, it's only 10 paragraphs in. I mean, true, nine of those paragraphs are pretty long and boring descriptions of how the House of Representatives and the Senate are supposed to work, but it's not like this is some kind of twist ending.

Is it too much to hope that, once this gets pointed out to Gov. Palin, she'll decide she doesn't want the job? Maybe even, I don't know? Shut up and go home?

Say it ain't so, Joe! (And Joe replies, 'It ain't, you dumbass!')

Of course, I watched the debate last night: MCcain came across as a rabid bat stuck in a small enclosure made of glass, while Obama came off as a bemused biologist looking in on said bat as it battered against the enclosure. McCain got off his "you should've run against Bush four years ago" zinger. (Hey, John, I have a question: If you're so big on standing up to your party, how come you didn't run against Bush four years ago?) But Obama spoke what was on everyone's mind when he said, in reference to the paranoid ads linking Obama to William Ayers and ACORN, "I think the fact that this has become such an important part of your campaign, Senator McCain, says more about your campaign than it says about me.”

Perhaps McCain's most enduring contribution to the debate, and to the American political landscape, was "Joe the Plumber," that salt-of-the-earth small-businessman from Holland, Ohio, who may, or may not, be punished by Obama's tax plan.

After the debate, Joe found himself in the center of a media maelstrom, everyone asking him who would get his vote. "That's my business," he replied, while giving the impression that he certainly wouldn't vote for Obama, who tap dances like Sammy Davis Jr.

I support Joe in his decision not to reveal the name of the candidate for whom he'll vote, especially since that candidate's name is, apparently, "Nobody":

"'Joe the Plumber' not voting for McCain" — Huffington Post

It might be heartening to McCain to know that he has at least one vote in Democratic stronghold Lucas County, Ohio, but for one small fact. A download of the Lucas County voter rolls from the Ohio Secretary of State's website lists four Wurzelbachers, two in Holland, but none of them named Sam or Joe or Samuel Joseph. There's a Robert Lee and a Frank Edward Wurzelbacher, but no Joe.

Apparently, Joe the Plumber don't vote.

Personally, this is my favorite kind of conservative voter: The one who, apparently, hasn't bothered to register and missed his chance.

UPDATE: Oops, I jumped the gun on this one. The New York Times is reporting:

Mr. Wurzelbacher is registered to vote in Lucas County under the name Samuel Joseph Worzelbacher.

Sorry, man. Sometimes I get excited. Best to you, dude; hope your vote works out for you!

Swingin'!

Battleground states have become swing states, this election. Which way are they swinging? Watch this all the way through and check how conservative columnist Kathleen Parker seems to be leaning:

I love Stephen Colbert. Really.

And now…

…your moment of Zen.

This is preeminently the time to speak the truth, the whole truth, frankly and boldly. Nor need we shrink from honestly facing conditions in our country today. This great Nation will endure as it has endured, will revive and will prosper. So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory. I am convinced that you will again give that support to leadership in these critical days.

—U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt, first inaugural address
March 4, 1933.

Americans are asking: What is expected of us? I ask you to live your lives, and hug your children. I know many citizens have fears tonight, and I ask you to be calm and resolute, even in the face of a continuing threat.

I ask you to uphold the values of America, and remember why so many have come here. We are in a fight for our principles, and our first responsibility is to live by them. No one should be singled out for unfair treatment or unkind words because of their ethnic background or religious faith.

—U.S. President George W. Bush, address to a joint session of Congress and the American people, Sept. 20, 2001.

I am just so fearful that this is not a man who sees America the way that you and I see America — as the greatest source of good in this world. … I’m afraid this is someone who sees America as imperfect enough to work with a former domestic terrorist who had targeted his own country.

—Republican vice presidential candidate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, speech at a political rally in Clearwater, Fla., Oct. 6, 2008.

Thanks for the wild turkey and the passenger pigeons, destined to be shit out through wholesome American guts. Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison. Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger. Thanks for vast herds of bison to kill and skin leaving the carcasses to rot. Thanks for bounties on wolves and coyotes.

Thanks for the American dream, to vulgarize and falsify until the bare lies shine through.

Thanks for the KKK; for nigger-killin' lawmen, feelin' their notches; for decent church-goin' women, with their mean, pinched, bitter, evil faces. Thanks for "Kill a Queer for Christ" stickers. Thanks for laboratory AIDS.

Thanks for Prohibition and the war against drugs. Thanks for a country where nobody's allowed to mind their own business anymore. Thanks for a nation of finks.

Yes, thanks for all the memories — all right let's see your arms! You always were a headache and you always were a bore.

Thanks for the last and greatest betrayal of the last and greatest of human dreams.

—William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving Prayer," Nov. 28, 1986.

Be careful what you wish for…

…Gov. Palin, because Keith Olberman may give it to you:

Granted, with his calls for forgiveness, Olberman kept the gloves on.

But they were silk gloves worn over titanium hands.

Why I don't talk about work

So, y'all may have noticed that I rarely talk about my job here. There are very good reasons for that:

• First, I don't hide my posts — anything I say here, I'd be comfortable saying to folks at work (even though I'm pretty sure none of them know the address of my blog), and that's pretty important to me. Those of you who have met me in real life know that I sometimes have, for lack of a better, less psychobabble term, boundary issues: sometimes I push for closeness that is unwarranted and, in the long-run, regrettable. So, keeping everything I post here public means that I am accountable for everything I say. It also means that, any time I do feel like going beyond the pale on topics, they're pretty damn-well thought out; I'm not about to rant or write a narrative about something that doesn't have some importance to me.
• Second, to paraphrase something my boss said today, "We journalists are at our best when the world is at its worst." Sadly, this is very true: for every front page I've done that helped a 98-year-old woman cut through bureaucratic bullshit to get a passport or celebrated a silly charity event that had pillars of the community kissing camels, I've had countless fatals, homicides, drug busts, sexual assaults and corrupt cops to fill out the balance sheet. True, I don't write the stories, but I do sit there staring at a blank page thinking, "Hello, World, here's a little snippet of history; it may not be important next week but, right now, it's the most important thing there is: How do I make you realize that?" You can see how that, with all its obvious distaste as well as undertones, wouldn't be a very fitting subject for posts, no?

However, today I feel like I did some pretty good work, even if it is along negative lines:

There it is, the top half of today's front page; a somewhat smaller version of what you would see if you walked by one of our newsracks and were debating whether what was contained inside was worth your hard-earned 50 cents. Click on it to get the larger version. Or don't; it may be old news by the time you read this.

I argued with myself about whether or not the stories presented there were a big enough deal to warrant the banner, ALL CAPS "screamer" headline with the abutting centered subheads. But the more I looked at that stockbroker's eyes, the more I thought about his kids' college funds going down the drain. And the less I cared about the weaknesses my bosses would inevitably find in what I'd done.

Personally? That's some good work up there. That is — minus the ghastly, drop-shadow bedecked masthead — some New York Times shit.

And, perversely, I'm glad that the global media seems to be bearing my opinion on this story's import out.

Oh, hey, just to end on a clever/funny note, I did manage to get one joke "above the fold," as we like to say in the journalism business. It's kind of obscure for your average Aikenite, maybe, but I've got high hopes for you folks.

Did you catch it?

Singalong time!

WARNING: Lyrics are not safe for work, unless you work someplace where swearing and Christian fundamentalist bashing is considered cool. In which case, turn it up, man!

Thanks to Morgane for the link!

Wow…

…just…fucking wow.

Parents Give Up Youths Under Law Meant for Babies - NYTimes.com

…The biggest shock to public officials came last week, when a single father walked into an Omaha hospital and surrendered nine of his 10 children, ages 1 to 17, saying that his wife had died and he could no longer cope with the burden of raising them.

In total last month, 15 older children in Nebraska were dropped off by a beleaguered parent or custodial aunt or grandmother who said the children were unmanageable.

Officials have called the abandonments a misuse of a new law that was mainly intended to prevent so-called Dumpster babies — the abandonment of newborns by young, terrified mothers — but instead has been used to hand off out-of-control teenagers or, in the case of the father of 10, to escape financial and personal despair….

I don't even know where to begin….

My annual test sharing

OK, I hardly ever bother to share these things because, honestly, who cares? However, this one is funny:

Your result for Test Your Ideal Role in a Rock Band...

Rhythm Guitarist

6 Talent, 8 Energy and -2 Charisma!

Damn, so close! You get to play the guitar, but not the solos! What a crappy fate, you think. Really? Crappy? So you're saying that your average AC/DC fan has wet dreams about all those 4-minute guitar solos, but they never really feel like hearing the intro to Back in Black? Nooooo, rock is as much about riffs as about solos! And riffs are good for jumping around to! The worst guitar nerds will walk away from the gig replaying good solos in their heads, but it's your massive stage presence and rock hard riffs that will make any normal fan come back again and again. Because they admire the lead guitarist and like the singer, but it's you that they love!

Take Test Your Ideal Role in a Rock Band at HelloQuizzy

See…I am a rhythm guitarist! Or, at least, that's what I've been in every band I've played in, and it's all I've every wanted to be. (Although I prefer playing the intro to "Highway to Hell," but that's because I prefer Bon Scott AC/DC to Brian Johnson AC/DC.)

So, there you have it. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go play "It's a Long Way to the Top (If You Wanna Rock 'n' Roll)" for a bit.