- "The Sermon on the Mount 2" - William S. Burroughs
- "Rhythm Section Want Ad" - They Might Be Giants
- "Till My Head Falls Off" - They Might Be Giants
- "Mister Superstar" - Marilyn Manson
- "Thirteen" - Big Star
- "Circle of Cysquatch" - Mastodon
- "Opus for Four" - The Art of Noise
- "Particle Man" - They Might Be Giants
- "Dr. Benway's House" - William S. Burroughs (actually, it's Sonic Youth, but it's from WSB's album and the iPod just lists the album artist)
- "The Belldog" - Eno, Moebius, Roedelius
- "Champagne Supernova" - Oasis
- "Taxman" - The Beatles
- "Counterpoint" - The Art of Noise
- "Naked Lunch Excerpts" - William S. Burroughs
- "Perdido (Live)" - Dave Brubeck
For years, too many for me to accurately count, I've been seriously depressed. I've chalked this depression up to my situation: crappy jobs, stress from non-crappy jobs, relationships, loneliness, lack of money—basically all the pressures and responsibilities of life—normal life, mind you—I've assumed have been too dire to bear and have been the cause of my depression. "If I could only get a break," I've thought to myself countless times, "I'd be able to get out of this hole and take time for some joy." And, sometimes because my energy was sapped by anhedonia, sometimes because I was paralyzed by anxiety, I have failed to make any truly significant changes in my life.
Recently the thought crossed my mind that I had things backwards: maybe my depression wasn't caused by my situation; maybe my depression was causing my situation. I know, I'm a genius of the obvious!
Anyway, I've decided to treat the depression: I've stopped drinking (a depressant, naturally), switched to decaf coffee (anxiety causing stimulant, that) and have been prescribed an anti-depressant, which I started taking last Monday. So far, so good: I've had some of the side-effects listed on the bottle, but they're all manageable and I've been told by good friends taking similar medications that they go away in a couple weeks. Depression-wise, I don't really feel much better just yet, but I know that it takes a bit for the medication to take effect, and if there's one thing chronic oscillation of depression and anxiety has taught me it's patience. I'm willing to wait, if for no other reason than, this time, I'm waiting with hope in mind.
So, there's that. Now, here's this: I've tapped out Jacksonville. I've been here for over a year and have made precisely zero friends. Plus, my apartment complex is raising my rent to the point where I honestly can't afford it. I've just barely kept my head above water this last year and I won't be able to make it another year. So I'm moving back to Aiken. Chris & Kate have very generously offered me a place to stay, and I'm eternally grateful to them. More than that, though, Chris & Kate are offering me regular, friendly human contact, and I love them for it.
So, that's it. Big changes are in progress. I probably will be incommunicado for a few days, here. But I'll at least be back next Friday for the shuffle.
Promise.
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3 comments:
Hang in there (I know, people who say that make ME want to punch them in the throat, but you know what I mean) and I think that you are doing the right thing. Being around people who care helps so much - with perspective, and everything. You deserve to be happy, in every sense of the word.
Will you pursue teaching once you get settled in? I know, I'm a damn dog with a bone. But. I know how much teaching means to me, and I know how much your teachers meant to you - so, by some sort of logic (which I think I failed that class) I think teaching would mean a lot to you.
That's excellent, John, re the taking steps to treat your depression. I know I struggled with it for a long, long time myself, but it wasn't until I had a major trauma come up in my life that it all came to the surface.
I took an anti-depressant for a while, and though it didn't seem to help for the first couple of weeks, it did start working for me. I also had a crackerjack of a therapist, as well, which I think saved me from REALLY awful times.
I definitely understand about the Jax situation; I've kinda been going through the same thing here in Virginia, although recently I have made friends with someone who likes MST3K as much as I do. Good luck in Aiken, and I hope I can see you there next time I'm down that way.
I'm really happy you figured out that your depression was causing you to be so unhappy, and holding you back from being the joyful, brilliant, successful person you want to be. Sometimes these things take time to figure out.
For me, my Depression and Anxiety was caused by my very unhappy marriage and my own self-doubts and insecurity. That said, leaving my ex, and finding a new love and a new job has made me very happy, and I haven't needed anti-depressants for awhile now. However, I wouldn't hesitate to go on them again if I thought I needed to!
Anyway, enough about me. Again, I am happy for you, and glad you are moving somewhere that will give you the community you want and need. :)
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